


Voices

by siriencia



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-19
Updated: 2014-11-19
Packaged: 2018-02-26 05:49:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2640383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siriencia/pseuds/siriencia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jongin hears things. Except when he's with Luhan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Voices

The first time Jongin hears them is the night EXO’s last teaser is released, after they’ve all gone back to the dorms. He thinks they’re coming from the other room, the sounds of celebration leaking through the walls. ****

He forgets about them when Chanyeol bursts into his room and tells him, “You can’t just sit here by yourself all night! Come on and celebrate with everyone else!”

\--

The second time Jongin hears them is the night after their second showcase, when he’s lying in bed, pain shooting down his spine.

_Told you so._

“What?” he asks, opening his eyes to glare at whoever had the nerve to berate him when he was in so much pain.

No one else was in the room.

He puts it out of his mind. Delusions caused by pain-killers.

Nothing to worry about.

\--

It’s the third time that Jongin realizes something is wrong.

It’s late, and they’re in the practice room going over the dance one last time before their debut stage.

Junmyeon calls a break, and Sehun steps out to get water for everyone. Jongin leans heavily against the wall, sliding down to sit on the floor. His back aches, and he tries to push the worry of _pain pain pain_ to the back of his head.

_Get the door._

It’s so clear this time, so demanding, that Jongin looks up to see who the voice is coming from. But no one is paying any attention to him. Junmyeon is talking with their manager. Baekhyun and Chanyeol have their heads together, conversing quietly in the corner. Kyungsoo is sitting on the opposite side of the room, his head resting against the wall and his eyes closed. Jongin looks down at his hands and tries to relax, but he can’t seem to get the muscles in his neck to loosen.

Seconds later he hears the door click open, followed by a crash. He whips his head to the door to see all the water bottles Sehun had been carrying scattered on the ground.

“Sorry!” Sehun exclaims, rushing to pick them up.

He distributes them among the members, and Jongin stays seated, frozen to the ground, wondering what the hell had just happened.

\--

At first it’s just one, and it’s not so bad.

It gives him advice, sort of. Tells him not to step there, or watch out that’s going to fall. It reminds him to do the things he forgets to do.

It’s almost like having a personal assistant, except in your head, and Jongin doesn’t mind it too much. After all, it’s helping him, isn’t it?

\--

Jongin reaches for another piece of kimbap.

_You’re going to get sick if you eat any more._

Jongin’s hand pauses in mid-air, then draws back, and he sets his chopsticks down on his plate. He ignores Kyungsoo’s worried glance and tries to focus on the conversation going on around him.

“Jongin?”

Jongin turns, almost unwillingly, to Kyungsoo’s probing gaze.

“Are you okay?”

Jongin flinches. “What do you mean?”

“It’s just... You seem a little out of it lately. You haven’t been pushing yourself too hard have you? These last few weeks have been pretty tiring-”

“I’m fine,” Jongin snaps. He turns back to the others and ignores the hurt look Kyungsoo gives him.

_That was stupid._

Shut up.

\--

The one voice is okay. Jongin can deal with that. Maybe.

But then there are more.

They start out much like the first one did. Indistinct mumblings. A whisper in the back of his head. Jongin tries to ignore them.

It only takes two weeks for them to become like the first one. Loud and insistent in his mind.

There are four of them now.

\--

It’s a month into their promotions for MAMA, and everyone’s exhausted. Jongin stands alone in the middle of a practice room, the lights glaring and making his eyes water. The rest of the group is back at the dorm, sleeping. They have sense. They know that sleep is hard enough to come by without taking more of it away with extra practicing. But they aren’t Jongin.

He settles into the first pose, counts the beats, and begins. The music blares, but everything is quiet. It feels like someone pressed the mute button in Jongin’s head and for once, after what feels like a millenium, everything is silent. No strange whispering. No one telling him what to do. He dances until his muscles ache and he’s heaving for oxygen.

Jongin knows he should go back to the dorm and get a few hours of sleep.

He keeps dancing.

\--

Junmyeon pulls him aside after a variety show.

“Hey,” he says, pushing two chairs together. He guides Jongin to one and then sits in the other. “I want to talk to you about something.”

Jongin fidgets. He doesn’t want to talk. “About what?”

Junmyeon glances down at his hands, clasped together on the table, and then back at Jongin. “Well, I wanted to ask you if anything was wrong.”

“Nothing,” Jongin replies, too fast. “Nothing is wrong.”

“We’re worried about you.”

“There’s nothing to be worried about.”

Worry creases Junmyeon's forehead. “You don’t have to hide anything from me,” he says. “I want to help you.”

Jongin’s fingers tap erratic rhythms on the table, and he looks down, away from the eyes pleading with him to _tell me please just tell me so I can fix it._

Jongin is tempted. So, so tempted, to tell Junmyeon. Tell him everything.

But he wouldn’t understand. He’d tell the managers. They’d say Jongin’s crazy. He’d get pulled out of EXO. Everything Jongin had worked for, everything he’d done, would be destroyed.

So he stays silent.

The silence stretches out, Junmyeon waiting for an answer that Jongin can’t, won’t give.

The voices tell him he’s doing the right thing.

\--

There’s one more week of promotions left.

Jongin doesn’t want it to end.

If it ends, there’ll be fewer distractions, less noise. More free time. Time to think. Time to listen.

The whispers tell him things about tomorrow. And the day after that. They tell him about the past. The bad things that happened to his friends. They tell him about a girl who got raped yesterday in her apartment four blocks away.

He throws himself into the practices. Working himself to exhaustion to try to block them out.

\--

Kim Jongin is not crazy.

Yet.

\--

At the party celebrating EXO’s goodbye stage, the music is loud. Jongin feels it in his veins, feels it filling his body with the heavy thud of the bass. It drowns the voices out.

Kyungsoo slings an arm around his shoulders.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey.”

“It’s nice to see you smile, you know? You haven’t done that in a while.”

Kyungsoo squeezes his shoulder and then wanders off, disappearing into the whirling lights and moving bodies.

Jongin realizes that Kyungsoo’s right. He is smiling.

It feels nice.

\--

They all get a couple days off to visit their families, and Jongin doesn’t know if he wants to go. But not going would worry them, so he pulls himself together the best he can and makes sure not to forget his music.

“Jongin!”

He’s enveloped in hugs the second he gets home.

“We’re so proud of you,” His mom says, pulling him to the dinner table. “You have to tell us about everything that’s been going on. Have you been eating right? You look a little pale.”

“Which is actually saying something,” one of his sisters jokes.

“Shush. Let him talk!”

Jongin glances around the table at the expectant faces surrounding him, excited to hear how he’s been doing. What it’s all been like.

The voices are telling him about them. His parents fought yesterday. One of his sisters is overstressed at school. The other gets harassed at work and just got in trouble for standing up for herself.

“It’s been great.”

He tries a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

\--

The voices, Jongin realizes, are always right.

He knows EXO-M is planning a surprise visit because the voices tell him so, so he’s not surprised in the least when they all burst into the dorm, calling and shouting to the others.

They all gather on the couches and the floor in front of the tv, everyone talking over each other in excitement.

Jongin is happy for the distraction. He tries to pay attention and participate. It’s hard though, because even with the excited chatter of the members, Jongin can still hear the voices.

They start to get a little rowdy, and Jongin gets pushed into Luhan. For a second he thinks he goes deaf, then Luhan rights both of them and they’re sitting a few inches away from each other like before. Luhan smiles at him and pats his shoulder.

“You okay?”

Jongin’s mind is spinning. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

\--

They’re traveling a lot now. Going to this performance or that show. Jongin likes the window seat on the plane. He can look at the clouds and think about being free.

“Hey, Jongin!”

Baekhyun pulls one of Jongin’s ear buds out of his ear.

Jongin jumps in his seat and then glares at Baekhyun. “What?”

“Your music is way too loud! You’re going to go deaf before you turn twenty-five! What are you listening to anyway? Hard rock?”

“So what?”

Jongin ignores Baekhyun’s sigh and turns back to the window. He turns down the volume though, just a little.

But now it doesn’t quite drown them out.

\--

They get louder and louder. It’s like the fangirls screaming whenever they see him.

But this is worse.

It never stops.

Constant.

\--

All of EXO is in Korea, in between schedules, and Jongin is dancing again.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been at it. An hour, maybe more. He doesn’t care.

Sweat pours down his back and his limbs shake, but he still doesn’t stop. He wants to keep going forever, to keep the silence in the chaos.

Suddenly, the music stops.

The voices come back in a rush, and maybe it’s the surprise, or maybe it’s exhaustion, but Jongin doesn’t feel very well. He crouches down with his head in his hands and groans. His head pounds, and in that moment he wishes he could die.

Make it stop make it stop make it _stop_.

He hears a voice, but that doesn’t mean very much because he hears voices _all the fucking time_ and he doesn’t know if it’s real or one of the ones in his head.

Jongin feels a hand touch his back and he feels a jolt, like it had sent electricity through his shirt and into his skin. Then another hand touches his wrist and everything goes silent. Jongin freezes and he hears his harsh breathing and a single voice asking him, “Are you okay?”

He looks up, his hands still around his ears, and his wide-eyed gaze lands on a worried Luhan, crouched down in front of him. “H-Hyung?” he asks. His voice hovers in the air and then dissipates into the silence. The silence Jongin had been searching for, longing for. He feels a tear run down his cheek.

“J-Jongin?” Luhan stutters. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

Jongin shakes his head. He feels elated, free. “I can’t hear them anymore.”

Luhan frowns. “What?”

“I can’t hear them. Oh my god they’re gone.”

Luhan draws back. “Jongin what are you talking-”

Jongin doesn’t hear Luhan finish his sentence because the second Luhan’s hand leaves Jongin’s wrist his head is filled again with shouting and he is bent over in pain.

Tears blur Jongin’s vision and he reaches for Luhan’s hand, but then it’s gone and Jongin is left grasping air. He thinks Luhan says something but all he can focus on is Luhan’s retreating figure, disappearing out the door.

\--

He wakes up to white walls and more voices. His head throbs.

“Jongin!”

He turns to see Junmyeon sitting in a chair next to the bed. “Hyung?”

A relieved smile appears on Junmyeon's face. “Are you okay? Luhan said he found you passed out in one of the practice rooms.”

“What?” Jongin asks. He tries to remember what he had been doing, but it’s hard to concentrate because the voices are coming back in full force. If only they could be quiet for one minute then he could remember-

Jongin’s breath catches in his throat.

Junmyeon grabs his hand. “Jongin? What’s wrong?”

Jongin can feel his heart racing. If what he remembered was right then... “Hyung, I want to go home.”

“Home?” Junmyeon asks, his brow furrowing. “Home like-”

“The dorm,” Jongin clarifies.

“Oh. Okay, but the doctors said they want you to stay here for today. Just to make sure.”

“I’m fine,” Jongin replies, trying to sound as normal as possible. “I can rest back at the dorm.”

“I’ll... go talk to the doctors. And our manager,” Junmyeon says, standing.

Jongin smiles to reassure Junmyeon that he’s fine. He hopes it doesn’t look too much like a grimace.

\--

It takes forever to get discharged from the hospital, but eventually they find themselves back at the dorm, Junmyeon and one of their managers following Jongin in the front door. They’re greeted by silence.

“Where’s everyone else?”

“EXO-M had to fly back to China for a variety show,” their manager replies. “Everyone else is back at the company.”

Jongin feels his stomach drop and suddenly the voices are unbearable.

“Oh. I’m- going to go rest- in my room.”

“Okay. I’m taking Junmyeon to the company. Call if you need anything.”

Jongin just makes it to his bed before he collapses, clutching his head.

_They all think you’re crazy._

_Junmyeon_ _thinks it’s his fault. That he pushed you too hard._

_You better shape up or the company may think of dropping you._

_There’s a kid down the street from you-_

_A woman getting beaten-_

_Dying_

_Dying_

_Dying_

It hurts twice as much because now he remembers what silence feels like.

\--

Jongin’s taken to listening to music 24/7.

He only allows time for work, practice, and sleep.

He talks as little as possible. He doesn’t want to say something he shouldn’t.

\--

Jongin thinks Luhan is avoiding him. He’s not sure though. It’s hard to concentrate on anything anymore.

\--

“Hey Jongin!”

Jongin looks up from his ipod. Kyungsoo is poking his head inside his room with a hopeful expression on his face.

“Do you want to come with us to that Thai restaurant on the corner? Junmyeon hyung says he’s paying!”

Jongin looks back at his ipod. “No, it’s okay, hyung.”

Kyungsoo’s smile flickers. “You sure? Well we won’t be leaving for another few minutes if you change your mind.”

When they all leave Jongin turns the volume up louder.

\--

Kim Jongin thinks he might be going crazy.

\--

It’s late.

Jongin is practicing.

Again.

The other members have long since given up trying to get him to get more than a few hours of sleep, and now they just leave him to practice until he is ready to drop. Tonight is no exception as Jongin whirls and balances on trembling legs. The routine is almost over, and Jongin dreads the end of the music that will inevitably occur in

 

3

2

1

  
The music fades into silence, and Jongin holds his pose for two seconds, then drops his arms to his sides. He stares at his reflection in the mirror, chest heaving and eyes wide. Jongin doesn’t like the frown that always seems to find its way onto his face. The ever-so-slight slump in his shoulders. The haunted look in his eyes.

But then again, he was haunted. By something, anyway.

The adrenaline rush quickly wears off, and the voices rush back like a waterfall. It’s the hardest right after he finishes dancing. Jongin always hopes - foolishly - that maybe they won’t come back. But of course they do. Every single time.

Jongin groans and crouches down, scrunching his eyes shut. “You can do this. You can do this. You can do this,” he mutters to himself under his breath.

Someone grabs his hand.

Silence.

“You can do what?”

Jongin whips his head up and finds himself staring into Luhan’s guarded eyes.

“What can you do, Jongin?”

Jongin’s lips open, but nothing comes out. He can hear his heart beating in his chest. Luhan’s eyes press him on. He wets his lips. Then, “Survive.” Jongin finds it incredibly hard to utter that one word, but as soon as it leaves his lips, he feels as if it had taken a great weight with it. He couldn’t take it back. For better or for worse, Luhan was going to know that everything was not a-okay with Kim Jongin.

Luhan’s grip tightens on Jongin’s hand and his lips pull into a frown.

“...Survive? Jongin, what do you mean?”

A laugh slips between Jongin’s lips. He doesn’t know if it’s because it’s silent, silent in the room and in his head, or if it’s because he’s finally telling someone, or maybe because all of it should be impossible in the first place.

“It’s really hard, hyung,” he begins, begging Luhan with his eyes not to interrupt him. “It’s really, really hard to stay sane when there are voices in your head telling you what to do, telling you about everyone around you, all the horrible things that have happened to them and will happen to them. It’s hard knowing everything about everyone, all the time."

“Jongin,” Luhan says firmly. “Things like that don’t exist. It’s not real.”

“Says the person who doesn’t hear them.”

Luhan exhales and leans back on his heels. “Then what are they saying right now?”

Jongin shakes his head, and he can feel his eyes watering again. “Nothing.”

“Nothing? So-”

“It’s you, hyung,” Jongin blurts out.

Luhan stills.

“As soon as you touched me,” Jongin continues in a rush, hoping to convince Luhan before he scared him away. “It’s like you found the off button and slammed it. They just stop. Like when I’m dancing.”

Jongin forces himself not to hold tighter when Luhan slides his hand out of Jongin’s grasp. He curls his hands into fists and twists his mouth into a grimace as the voices rush back.

Luhan observes his reaction silently. Then, “What are they telling you?”

Jongin wraps his arms around his knees. “Don’t- don’t ask me that. Please.” He puts his head between his knees and tries to think of anything besides Luhan, because for some reason, the voices seem bent on telling him Luhan’s entire life story. Except only the bad parts. Jongin feels a tear slide down his cheek.

He hears a whisper. “It’s okay.” Luhan’s warm hand grasps his. “As long as I’m here, it’ll be okay, right?” Luhan smiles hesitantly at him, and Jongin thinks it’s the most beautiful thing in the world.

They don’t talk the entire time back to the dorm, and immediately crash on the couch in the living room. Jongin falls asleep with his head on Luhan’s shoulder and their hands still intertwined.

\--

Kim Jongin has something he hasn’t had in a long time.

Hope.

\--

“Yo what’s going on over here?”

Jongin and Luhan are rudely awakened by Chanyeol, who pounces on them as soon as he sees them cuddled on the couch.

Jongin, surprised and sleep-deprived, is unable to form a coherent explanation. Thankfully, Luhan is not quite as confused as he is.

“Oh, we were watching a movie last night. I guess we fell asleep sometime during it.”

“Oh,” Chanyeol says, accepting the explanation immediately. “What movie?”

“You wouldn’t know it,” Luhan jokes, patting Chanyeol’s arm when he begins to pout. “Come on, let’s go eat breakfast. It smells like Kyungsoo’s cooking again.”

Luhan gets up from the couch and heads toward the kitchen, pulling Jongin with him. Kyungsoo had already put the plates on the table, so Luhan guides Jongin to a chair and then sits next to him. He loosens his grip on Jongin’s hand, and then replaces his right hand with his left so that he could eat.

“Good?” he asks Jongin with a smile.

Jongin nods, feeling an overwhelming gratitude for his hyung. But still - how would this ever really work?

Luhan seems to sense Jongin’s doubt, and he squeezes his hand.

“We’ll make it work.”

Jongin opens his mouth to reply, but then Junmyeon and Chanyeol walk in, and he loses the opportunity.

\--

Despite Jongin’s initial reservations, they do make it work.

All it takes is skin on skin.

\--

“I swear you two are always together now,” Sehun complains to Jongin and Luhan, who are sitting next to each other on the couch. He plops down next to them. “It’s creeping me out.”

“What, not enough Hunhan for you lately?” Luhan jokes. “Do I need to hug you more?”

Sehun inches away from Luhan. “No, thanks. I’m perfectly fine.”

Jongin joins in, “I’m sure hyung could spare a moment or two for you. For the fans, of course.”

“I don’t get why they’re so obsessed with that,” Sehun rants. “I swear it’s going to drive me insane.”

Jongin snorts. “You have no idea.”

Sehun glances at him and then rolls his eyes. He gets up from the couch and stretches. “Well, I’ve had enough of you lunatics today. I’m going to bed.”

“Sleep well, darling~” Luhan calls after him.

They can hear the sounds of fake barfing as he walks out of the room.

Luhan smiles. “That big baby,” he mutters.

Jongin looks back at Luhan. “What do you mean?”

“He’s jealous, even though he says he doesn’t care,” Luhan explains. “And if he’s noticed, everyone else probably has too.”

Jongin feels worry creep into his mind. “Then what are we supposed to do?”

“Nothing,” Luhan replies. He squeezes Jongin’s hand. “I’m going to keep fixing it until you can fix it yourself.”

\--

Jongin likes the way Luhan’s entire face crinkles when he smiles.

\--

It’s a Saturday night at 2 am, and Jongin and Luhan find themselves alone on the couch again. They’re watching a drama, some romantic comedy that Luhan had demanded they watch. Jongin had given in, intending to fall asleep as soon as Luhan became too engrossed in the drama to notice.

He leans his head against Luhan’s shoulder and allows himself to drift off to sleep, the soft sounds of the tv and Luhan’s quiet laughs his lullaby.

He wakes up about an hour later, looking up groggily and wondering why he'd woken. He turns his head to see Luhan sleeping soundly, his head listing to the side. Jongin glances at the tv, which was playing a commercial. He stretches for the remote and turns the tv off. The screen goes dark, and silence stretches in the space that the commercial had left. Jongin starts to stretch, then realizes that Luhan’s arm was around him, their hands still connected. Jongin blinks, then lifts Luhan’s arm over his head so that it’s in front of him, adjusting his hold on the other’s hand. It surprises Jongin that he hadn’t even realized the contact. But then again he was always holding Luhan’s hand, so an arm around his waist wasn’t that different, right?

Jongin glances back at Luhan and pauses. Luhan was beautiful, Jongin thinks. There was no other word to describe him. Jongin unconsciously leans forward, coming nose to nose with Luhan. His breath hitches in his throat. He hadn't noticed how long Luhan's eyelashes were. How full his lips were.

He can smell Luhan's breath. It smells like his toothpaste. Peppermint. Jongin's heart is beating irregularly in his chest. He knows he should stop. That if he continued there would be no going back. Jongin leans forward.

Luhan opens his eyes.

Jongin jerks back as if he had been burned.

"Hyung!" He exclaims, moving as far away as he can. He tries to unlink his hand from Luhan's. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I was- hyung I'm so sorry I didn't mean-"

"Jongin," Luhan says, tightening his fingers around the other’s hand.

Jongin stills, staring tensely at Luhan.

“Come here,” Luhan says softly. He pulls on Jongin’s arm, tugging him closer to his body.

“Hyung-”

“Shh,” Luhan cuts him off.

They stare at each other, faces inches away.

“What were you about to do, Jongin?” Luhan asks, face perfectly neutral.

“I- I was- I mean I wasn’t-” Jongin stutters, trying to inch away from Luhan. “There was a- a bug- on your head. And I-”

“You’re a horrible liar, you know that?” Luhan snorts at Jongin’s half-stunned, half-terrified face. “You know what, I think I know what you were going to do,” he says, a smile twitching on his lips.

Luhan starts to lean forward and Jongin leans back in response. He stops when Luhan tugs on his arm again. They’re so close, and Jongin could swear that Luhan can hear his heart beating erratically in his chest. He shuts his eyes.

For a moment, Jongin waits in darkness, then Luhan ruffles his hair and he opens his eyes to a dazzling, carefree smile.

“Silly,” Luhan says. “Come on, I think it’s time for bed.”

Jongin nods and allows himself to be pulled off the couch and down the hallway.

\--

Jongin thinks that it’s getting better.

Of course, better is relative.

\--

“Hyung, I want to try something.”

Luhan glances at where Jongin is sitting up on the bed. “What do you want to try?”

“I just want to test something,” Jongin replies. “You don’t have to do anything.” He takes their hands, which are almost always linked now, and slowly starts to pull his fingers away.

“Jongin?” Luhan asks, confused.

“Shush.”

Luhan relaxes back onto the bed, watching Jongin with alert eyes.

Jongin stares at their hands, focusing on the silence. He moves so that only the tips of his fingers are touching Luhan’s palm. Then he lifts his hand into the air, breaking the contact. He remains frozen, counting seconds in his head. 1... 2... 6 seconds. Then he scrunches his face and drops his hand back onto Luhan’s palm.

“So... what was that about?”

Luhan’s voice startles Jongin out of his thoughts. He looks up at Luhan with a smile. “It took 6 seconds.”

Luhan furrows his brow. “6 seconds... for what?”

“For them to come back. It took 6 seconds,” Jongin explains, excitement coloring his voice. “It’s getting better.”

Luhan sits up. “Really?”

Jongin nods furiously.

Luhan bursts into a smile. “See?” he asks, pulling Jongin into a hug. “I told you it would get better.”

\--

Time does heal wounds after all.

\--

“How long have you gone?” Luhan asks, putting his head close to Jongin’s ear so that he could be heard over all the noise.

“8 minutes, 23 seconds,” Jongin replies.

“That’s good!”

Jongin nods and smiles, then stumbles when a fan pushes into him from behind.

“Careful!” Luhan warns. He grabs Jongin’s hands and puts them on his shoulders. Don’t let go.”

They continue making their way through the sea of fans, trying to get out of the airport as fast as possible.

Jongin hates airports. But maybe there’s one good thing about them, he thinks, as he brushes a finger against Luhan’s neck.

\--

Months pass, and in between traveling, performances, and practices, Jongin finds himself able to go longer and longer on his own. The time stretches from minutes to hours, and eventually days. This is fortunate, because K and M are finding themselves spending more and more time apart due to their different schedules. But the voices inevitably come back, and the first thing Luhan does when he sees Jongin is brush his hand against the other’s, ruffling his hair with a smile. Jongin finds electricity in these touches, and he looks forward to seeing Luhan for a different reason.

\--

During another of their extended separations, Jongin is listening to music in his room. It’s late, and everyone else is sleeping. Jongin stares up at the dark ceiling, waiting for the others to arrive. EXO-M had taken a late plane back to Korea, but had needed to stop by the company for some reason or other. Jongin waves his foot lazily to the music, then jerks when it suddenly cuts out. He looks down at his i-pod. Dead. He hadn’t even realized that it was low on battery. Jongin sits up and leans over the bed, reaching blindly for the charging cord. He tries to ignore the voices, but they seem unusually excited. He is successful, for the most part, then they mention Luhan.

_Finally he’ll be gone._

_Poor bastard. Car crashes are fast though. It’ll be painless._

The cord slips from Jongin’s fingers. “What?”

_He won’t be able to mess with us anymore._

_When is it? Tonight?_

_Tonight._

“What do you mean?” Jongin sits up, staring in front of him with unfocused eyes. “Tell me. When?”

_Tonight._

_Soon, soon._

_Very soon._

“Where?” he demands, not caring if his voice is too loud.

_Don’t be hasty._

_No need to rush. It’ll be over soon._

_Yes, soon._

“Just tell me where. Now.”

_That building._

_A road._

_It’s dark._

_By the company._

_Yes, right out in front._

_There._

_Yes. It’ll be over._

_Soon._

_Soon._

_Tonight._

Jongin stumbles to his feet, crashing into Sehun’s bed in the process. He ignores the younger’s yell of surprise and rushes out of the room, heading straight out the front door.

The night’s cold wind bites into Jongin as he races along the road, looking in vain for a taxi. The streets are strangely silent, and he sprints down the sidewalk faster than he knew was possible. The voices beat relentlessly in his mind. _Soon. Very soon. Almost time._

Somehow, Jongin manages to reach the SM building. He’s just across the street, legs burning and lungs heaving. He sees M just leaving the building. “Luhan!” he shouts, relief washing over him.

Luhan turns in surprise at Jongin’s call. He mouths Jongin’s name and starts to walk toward Jongin.

Jongin feels relief at the sight of Luhan, but then a blinding pain shoots through his head.

_Now._

Jongin looks up in terror as a loud horn sounds through the street. Luhan starts to turn in shock as a car’s light races toward him.

“No!” Jongin screams. He leaps forward, pushing Luhan back onto the sidewalk. Then the next second he is flying sideways, pain screaming from every nerve.

He hits the pavement with a crack, limbs splayed in every direction. People are yelling and screaming, but he can’t distinguish what any of them are saying. He can’t move. Everything suddenly feels so heavy that all Jongin can do is try to stay conscious. Pain streams in from every side, and the blackness seems like such a tempting alternative. Then Luhan is leaning over him, a mixture of shock and panic on his face.

“Jongin!” he yells urgently, hands hovering over Jongin’s body. “Jongin, can you hear me?”

Jongin’s gaze wanders around, ending on Luhan’s face, but his vision keeps blurring. He tries to focus, but the pain-

“Jongin,” Luhan repeats. “Listen to me. The ambulance is coming. Help is coming, okay?” He grabs Jongin’s hand and squeezes it. “Just stay awake, okay? You have to stay awake.”

Jongin stares at Luhan uncomprehendingly, the older’s words flowing right past him. Another shooting pain crawls its way up his spine and he closes his eyes.

“Don’t close your eyes! Jongin!” Luhan reaches a hand up to cup Jongin’s cheek. “Come on. Open your eyes. Look at me.”

This time Luhan’s voice reaches Jongin, and he opens his eyes to stare back at Luhan. In a sudden moment of clarity, Jongin realizes what is happening. “Hyung. I...”

Luhan shushes him. “Don’t say anything. It’s all right.”

But it isn’t all right. Jongin can see it in Luhan’s eyes. Tears splatter onto his cheeks. “Don’t... cry,” he whispers. He squeezes Luhan’s hand with the little strength he has, then tries to raise his arm to Luhan’s face. Fire rips down his body and he opens his mouth to scream. Then, nothing.

\--

Jongin wakes up to white. It takes a minute for his eyes to focus, but when they do, he finds himself looking up at an unfamiliar ceiling. He’s too weak to move, so he settles for glancing around the room from his position on the bed.

Everything is clean. Pictures line the wall and white curtains cover the windows. The smell of disinfectant permeates the air. Jongin notices a vacant chair pushed back from his bed. He looks down at himself, his eyes zeroing in on a cast on his left arm. He feels no pain, only the heavy numbness of painkillers. He blinks slowly, then closes his eyes. Sleep washes over him.

\--

Jongin wakes for the second time to find himself in the same room as before. This time, someone is sitting in the chair. The person’s head is bowed, his honey-colored hair shielding his face from view.

“Hyung?” Jongin’s voice barely raises above a whisper.

Luhan’s head shoots up and his mouth forms a perfect 'o' before he exclaims, “Jongin!” He reaches forward and squeezes Jongin’s right hand between his own. “Oh my God, Jongin. You’re awake.” Tears slide down his cheeks as he smiles. “I thought- we thought-”

Jongin stares at Luhan in confusion, trying to piece his memory back together. “What...”

“Do- do you remember? You were in an accident.”

Jongin frowns, his face scrunching in concentration. Then flashes start to reappear in his memory. Laying on his bed in the dorm. Sprinting to the company. Shouting to Luhan. Lights flashing. Pain.

“It’s all my fault,” Luhan says, breaking Jongin out of his trance. “If I hadn’t-” Guilt colors Luhan’s voice. “You saved me, Jongin.”

“Don’t blame yourself,” Jongin whispers. He smiles softly. “It’s not your fault.”

“But it is,” Luhan insists.

Jongin shakes his head slowly. “It isn’t.” He takes a deep breath, then grimaces.

Luhan leans forward. “What is it? Does something hurt?”

“My throat. It’s so dry.”

Luhan immediately stands. “I’ll go get you some water. And I’ll tell the doctor that you’re awake.” He looks at Jongin worriedly. “I’ll be right back.”

Jongin nods with a small smile. “Okay hyung.”

Luhan gives his hand one more small squeeze before untangling his fingers and heading for the door. As soon as the door clicks shut behind him, Jongin squeezes his eyes shut. Now that Luhan was gone, he allows himself to get caught up in the memories that were assaulting his mind. They rush by in quick succession, and Jongin feels like he’s experiencing it all over again. His hand grips the bedsheets and he forces his eyes open. The clean hospital room greets him. ‘It’s not happening. It’s over.’ He breathes deeply, ignoring the pain from his throat. Slowly, he tries to push the memories back.

By the time the doctor knocks on the door, Jongin has obtained a measure of calm. The doctor smiles as soon as he sees Jongin.

“I’m so glad to see that you’re awake.” He steps into the room and sits in the chair Luhan had been occupying earlier. “We have quite a few tests we need to do, but first I want to check to see how you’re feeling. Do you remember what happened?”

Jongin nods shortly.

“I don’t need to explain that then. You were extremely lucky. That car was going very fast.”

Jongin nods again.

The doctor pauses to see if Jongin had anything he wanted to say, and when he didn’t, he goes on. “How’s the pain? You’ve been put on a lot of painkillers, so I expect you shouldn’t be feeling too much.”

Jongin nods for the third time. “I feel fine. Whatever you have me on is working wonders.”

The doctor smiles for a second and then becomes serious. “I assume you’ve noticed your arm. It was broken in two places. You’re being treated for a concussion, and you have multiple contusions from where you landed on the pavement.” He hesitates. “You received heavy damage to the spinal cord when you made contact with the car.” He stands and goes to the foot of the bed. He carefully pulls back the bed sheets so they could see Jongin’s feet. He glances back up at Jongin’s confused face. “Can I ask you to please wiggle your toes for me?”

Jongin looks at the doctor like he’d asked the strangest question, and proceeds to wiggle his toes. The doctor looks down and then back at Jongin’s face. Suddenly his face is very grave. Annoyance flashes through Jongin. What the heck did the doctor think he was doing? Of course he was moving his toes. Jongin looked down at his feet. Of course he was - except he wasn’t.

Jongin stares at his toes and wills them to move, but nothing happens. That can’t- no. Jongin shakes his head, closing his eyes in denial. He had just been walking- running. Just the other day he had been practicing with the rest of the group. This couldn’t be happening. He was dreaming. But when he opens his eyes, he's greeted with the same bland room that he had shut his eyes to.

Jongin begins to shake. His heart thumps loudly in his chest. He tries to kick his legs. Move them, anything. In his rising panic he tears at the bedsheets, reaching for his legs with his good arm. He can feel them. He can feel his legs but why can’t he move them? He hears the doctor say that it could be temporary. But they didn’t know yet. Spinal cord injuries were tricky business.

‘Just go away.’ Jongin shuts his eyes, refusing to listen to the doctor any longer. He doesn’t want to believe it, but the evidence is right there. His life, his career, EXO, what was going to happen? Tears start to pour down his cheeks. He doesn’t care if anyone is in the room. He lets his sobs rack his body without trying to reign them in.

Someone sits in the chair next to his bed, but Jongin can’t tell who it is through the tears. He turns his head away. He doesn’t want whoever it is to see him cry.

Luhan’s soft hands grasp Jongin’s. Jongin turns to Luhan to see identical tears running down his face.

“Hyung-” Jongin bites out.

Luhan shakes his head, his face twisting in pain. “The doctor told me. But I hoped-” he breaks off, bowing his head and letting a sob overtake him. “It’s my fault,” he whispers. “If I- If I hadn’t-”

“No.” Jongin shakes his head forcefully.

“But if I hadn’t walked out-” Luhan continues on.

“No,” Jongin repeats. “It’s not your fault. Don’t ever think that.” He locks eyes with Luhan, staring at the older until he dropped his head.

Jongin takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, focusing only on the movement of the air. He forces himself to think of something, anything, to distract himself from the panic boiling under his skin.

“What…” Jongin begins. “How is everyone else?”

“Ok,” Luhan replies, trying a smile. “All our schedules have been cancelled for now. We’ve just been practicing as SM. To keep us from sitting around worrying in the dorm.”

Jongin nods. “That’s good. Yeah.”

“Junmyeon's been worried sick about you, though.” Luhan squeezes Jongin’s hand. “One of his members are hurt and he can’t do anything about it.”

Jongin looks up worriedly. “He hasn’t been beating himself up about this has he? It’s not his fault. It’s no one’s fault.”

Luhan frowns. “Except for the driver. SM’s taking legal action, you know.”

“What?”

“Yeah. From what I hear, whoever was driving was drunk. Really drunk.”

Anger flashes though Jongin. “I can’t believe it.”

Luhan shakes his head helplessly. “Wufan was ready to tear the guy apart when he heard.”

Jongin shivers. “I can imagine,” he says, the image of the livid leader clear in his mind.

Luhan nods, and they fall into silence.

After a few moments, Jongin squeezes Luhan’s hand and quietly asks, “Hyung… I’ll be alright, won’t I?”

Scared eyes search for a reassuring gaze, only to find worry instead of confidence.

“I… don’t know,” Luhan answers. “But you have to be. Okay? Promise me you’ll get better.”

“But what if I don’t and-”

“Promise me,” Luhan demands, a mixture of desperation and determination burning in his eyes. “Promise that you’ll stand on stage with us again.”

Jongin hesitates, insecurity running through him. He can’t even wiggle his toes. To make a promise that large - if he failed - it would crush both of them. Promises were responsibilities, and Jongin isn’t sure he would be able to keep this one. Jongin opens his mouth to tell Luhan that no, he can’t promise. That none of them know the future and that’s scary. But the words stick in his throat.

“I…”

Luhan nods in encouragement, but Jongin still can’t find the words. He pleads silently with Luhan.

After another moment of silence, Luhan tightens his grip on Jongin’s hand, then slowly lets go. Hurt flashes through his eyes before he lets his hair fall to hide his face. He stands with his hands balled at his sides. “You must be tired from everything that’s happened. I’ll let you sleep.”

And with his words hanging heavy in the air, Luhan leaves the room on soft footsteps.

\--

The next week passes with excruciating slowness. Jongin’s parents had been staying in the hospital, but after a few days they return home, visiting whenever they have the time between work and sleep. EXO visits him in groups, swarming around him, worrying over their little baby. Jongin feels suffocated whenever they visit, for all their good intentions. They were too loud. Too energetic. Too much. A SM rep also visits. The man checks up to see how Jongin is doing, having a short conversation with his doctor then leaving. The meeting reinforces Jongin’s fear about his future. He still can’t move his legs, and with each passing hour Jongin becomes more terrified that he will never walk again. Never dance again. The doctors do more tests and give him more painkillers, though they are never enough to stop the pain that shoots through his body. He does physical therapy twice a day. The nurses tell him he is doing well. He isn’t so sure.

\--

Twelve days after the accident, Jongin wakes up in the middle of the night. The pain is unbearable. He groans, muscles tensing in reaction to the intense feeling. Jongin gropes for the call button with his right hand, shaky fingers pushing down on the round button. A nurse hurries in half a minute later.

“Is something the matter?”

Jongin tries to keep the grimace off his face. “Please,” he begs, “it just hurts so _much_.”

The nurse frowns worriedly. “I know how much it can hurt, but we’re already giving you the maximum amount allowed. I’ll talk to your doctor about it tomorrow to see what we can do, though.”

Jongin nods shortly, fist clenching the bedsheets.

After a moments hesitation, the nurse leaves the room, closing the door softly behind her.

Jongin allows himself a few seconds before letting out a shout of anger, instinctually trying to kick his leg out at an imaginary enemy.

Jongin’s foot twitches.

Jongin’s breath hitches in his throat.

“Wh- Nurse!!” Jongin yells, mashing on the call button. He focuses on his right foot, and sure enough, Jongin sees movement under the sheets.

The nurse comes running into the room a second later. “What is it? What’s the matter?”

Jongin looks up at the nurse. “My foot. I can move it.”

A shocked look passes over the nurse’s face, quickly replaced by a smile. “Really? Lets see.” She hurries forward and carefully pulls the sheets back to reveal Jongin’s feet.

Jongin demonstrates, first by wiggling his toes and then carefully flexing his foot.

“What about your left foot?”

Jongin pauses in trepidation, then attempts to move his other foot. The movement takes twice as much effort and is markedly weaker, but it’s there.

“Very good!” the nurse exclaims, tucking the sheets back into place. “This means that the swelling is finally going down. You should,” she paused, stressing the word, “start recovering more muscle movement soon.”

Jongin nods, hope filling his chest.

Suddenly, the pain is bearable.

\--

Morning comes, and Jongin, not having been able to sleep any more after the night’s events, waits impatiently for the doctor to come.

When he does, he pronounces Jongin ready to start more intensive physical therapy. Jongin’s leg muscles have deteriorated due to lack of movement, and he has to get up and moving as quickly as possible to reverse the effects. He leaves Jongin with a long list of exercises and a physical therapist to help him. He’s to start right away.

Physical therapy, Jongin quickly finds out, is hard. Tasks he once would have found easy, such as bending his legs or pushing something with his foot, were tiring and frustrating. But with each day, his legs slowly grew stronger, and he soon found himself sitting up on the side of the bed, ready to try walking again for the first time.

“Getting up is the hardest part about all of this,” his physical therapist says, “so I’m going to help you up so we can focus on just walking. I have the walker right here,” she rolls it up to the bed, “so you can hold onto it for balance. And of course I’m here too.”

Jongin smiles nervously, grateful for her assurances.

“Ready?” she asks, standing next to him.

“Yeah,” Jongin answers, taking a deep breath to calm his nerves.

“Ok!” she smiles, moving into place with one arm wrapped around his waist and the other holding his good arm. “On three. One. Two. Three!”

Jongin grunts as he tries to push himself up. As soon as he starts he knows he can’t get up. But then his therapist is pulling him up, and suddenly he’s standing. Jongin leans heavily on her, positive that he couldn’t possibly stand on his own.

“Good!” she exclaims. “Now let’s get the walker in front of you…” she continues, inching it sideways with one arm.

“Ok. Now you can grab onto this and lean on it instead of me.”

Jongin nods once, focused on staying up while he shifts his weight forward so he can grab onto the walker. It’s a little difficult with his left arm still in a cast, but he manages well enough. He feels the helping hands slide away as the trainer takes a step back.

“How do you feel, Jongin?”

Jongin takes a moment to take stock of his various pains. Nothing hurts any more than before, so he nods. “I feel… pretty good.”

“Great! Ready to try walking?”

“We didn’t just do all that for nothing, right?” Jongin jokes weakly.

“You’re right. So whenever you’re ready. We’ll just try walking to the wall and back.”

Jongin takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. He can do this. He’s been walking all his life. The only difference now is that he’s a little wobbly.

Jongin raises a foot and swings it forward, putting more weight on the walker as he does so. His foot lands on the ground, and after a moment’s hesitation, Jongin repeats the process with his other foot. Again and again, Jongin takes another step, and suddenly he’s walking.

Jongin reaches the end of the room and slowly turns around, the walker dragging a bit on the floor. He retraces his steps, coming to a stop next to his bed.

“Good job!” his physical therapist exclaims. “How do you feel? Any pain?”

Jongin shakes his head. “My legs feel weak, but they don’t hurt.”

“Good. Now let’s get you back into bed. We can let you rest a bit before doing more.”

\--

And just like that, Jongin heals. It’s a slow process, granted, but it’s there. Jongin spends his days doing physical therapy and listening to music. He enjoys the visits with his family and friends and EXO.

But two things nag at him, keeping Jongin awake in the middle of the night.

The first is the voices. They had disappeared after the accident and had yet to return, and Jongin wonders how long he has. He hopes that maybe they were gone for good. It’s a small and foolish hope, but he holds onto it all the same.

The second is Luhan. Luhan hadn’t come back after that day. They had made excuses of course. He was working. He was sleeping. He wasn’t feeling well. Pain stabbed in Jongin’s chest whenever he thought about Luhan. He wanted to apologise. He wanted to see Luhan. He wanted everything to be okay between them.

He decides to call one evening, during the godforsaken hours of the night when all reasonable people are sleeping.

Luhan picks up after the sixth ring. “Hello?”

Jongin holds his phone closer to his ear. Just hearing Luhan’s voice, sleepy and annoyed as it is, calms him in a way he didn’t know was possible.

“Hello?”

Jongin takes a deep breath. “Hyung-”

“I don’t want to talk to you.” Luhan’s voice is sharp, cutting through the phone like he was standing in the room.

“No- hyung wait,” Jongin pleads. “I- I’m sorry. Please don’t hang up. Please.”

The phone is silent.

“I.. I miss you, hyung. I want to see you. Please come visit.”

Jongin waits for Luhan to respond, biting on his lip worriedly.

The silence stretches on, and then the line goes dead.

“Hyung?” Jongin’s plaintive voice echoes in the hospital room.

When he finally puts the phone down his arm is aching, but his chest hurts more.

\--

Jongin is a wreck the next morning. He forces down food and when the physical therapist comes, he goes through the motions, but he isn’t really trying. She leaves, disappointment evident in her voice when she tells him that she’d come back later.

Jongin is left alone in his room. He puts earbuds in and listens to music, trying to distract himself from all thoughts of Luhan. That works, for a while, then What is Love starts playing. Jongin’s mouth twists into a frown as he closes his eyes. He is unwilling to skip the song, although each time Luhan sings he feels his heart tear a little more.

He doesn’t hear the door open.

“Jongin?”

The voice startles Jongin and his eyes shoot open to see Luhan standing in the doorway.

“Hyu-hyung?” he whispers, not believing his eyes.

“Jongin!” the older boy exclaims striding over to the bed. He hesitates a moment before covering Jongin’s hands with his own. His fingers are trembling. “I was selfish. I’m.. sorry. I’m really sorry.”

Jongin squeezes Luhan’s hands. “I was worried you’d never come. It hurt. When you didn’t.”

Luhan bows his head. “Sorry,” he repeats. “But now,” he continues looking back up, “I’ll be here whenever I can. I’ll be here to keep you company and- and hold your hand.”

“They haven’t come back, you know,” Jongin replies quietly. “I haven’t heard them, ever since the accident.”

Luhan’s eyes widen. “Really? That’s great! Do you think they’ll.. come back?”

Jongin shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe they’ll never come back. Maybe it’s because of the accident. Maybe my tolerance just got stronger and I’ll start hearing them again. I just don’t know,” he ends, voice breaking.

“You have me,” Luhan replies firmly. “I’ll always be by your side, no matter what. I promise.”

\--

Jongin gets better. Slowly, in leaps and bounds. He goes home after another few days in the hospital. His parents and his sisters baby him. Luhan is there whenever possible, and the rest of EXO visits just as much.

Soon Jongin can walk on his own. No running or dancing yet, but it's only a matter of time.

Speaking of time, Jongin has way too much of it. After a few weeks at home, he declares he's had enough, and he wants to be up working again. He's cleared, barely, by the doctors for light activity, and he moves back to the dorms. Everyone, from the members to the managers, tell him to take it easy. He doesn't, pushing himself as hard as he can.

\--

It's just another day at the company, and Jongin is alone in a practice room, scuffed sneakers squeaking against the hardwood floors. Sweat beads on Jongin's forehead.

Dancing is hard.

The moves feel unfamiliar to his body, but he remembers what to do, so he works at it every day. It takes three times more effort for Jongin to complete a routine, but recently, he's been getting better. Certainly not perfect, and nothing very long, but there's progress.

Jongin is about to start a new dance when a knock sounds on the door.

Luhan peeks through the doorway. "Mind if I watch?"

Jongin smiles. "Of course not."

He moves to the center of the room while Luhan fiddles with the music.

When the first few notes start, Jongin smiles again. It's the track from the first teaser. He settles into the first pose, and begins. He concentrates even harder than before, determined to show Luhan his progress.

As he moves into each pose, something clicks within Jongin. Everything feels _right_. Suddenly, he's flowing into each move, and Jongin can feel the music pulsing within his veins and guiding his limbs like before.

The music fades and Jongin holds his position for a moment, reveling in his success. He's breathing a little heavily and the muscles in his legs are trembling, but it was perfect.

Luhan walks up to him, pride glowing on his face. "I knew you could do it."

A crooked grin appears on Luhan's face. "Really? Cause I remember back in the hospital and-"

"Shush," Luhan responds, quieting what Jongin was about to say with a few fingers. "I was there most of the time."

"You were," Jongin concedes. "I'm glad you were."

Luhan hugs him then, the kind of hug that leaves you breathless. The kind of hug that let Jongin know that Luhan would always support him.

There’s still a long way to go to standing on stage again, Jongin thinks. But this is a good step.

A start.


End file.
